5 Ugly Truths (for musicians) about The Zombie Apocalypse

Instruments make terrible weapons.

Let's face it. No one wants to use their prized possessions to beat the living dead to... death (or is it re-death) unless your prized possession happens to be a tool expressly purposed for bludgeoning. Anyway, given the choice between splintering the Gibson Les Paul over the head of some nameless zombie or joining the zombie horde itself, a true musician would at least pause. In reality, the guitar is probably one of the better choices. Imagine defending yourself with a flute or a clarinet. Most instruments are rather awkward when used to swing at someone's head. Although, I've seen some footage of two marching bands tie up and there is something to say for most of the brass section. On the whole, however, a random blunt object is going to serve you much better.

Musicians aren't the most in-shape.

Most of us musicians, especially the ones that tend to write/read music blogs aren't in "fighting" shape. If I had to, I could run a mile, maybe a mile and a half, but after that I think I'd let the zombies eat me. As for raw strength, I have less than the average man. The fingers in my fretting hand are the ones most worked out, but they wouldn't be much help in a zombie fight. If we're honest, musicians have spent years practicing what they do, honing skills that the average person hasn't the interest to do. After the music fades, though, what tangible accomplishment do we have to show for our efforts? We manipulate instruments in ways that are found enjoyable by some. Without those instruments, the same ones that we probably used to kill a few zombies, our skills seem a little less than practical. Practical skills are what stand between us and the ever imposing zombie horde.

Zombies have terrible taste in music.

In many a zombie documentaries, sounds have often been the downfall of many would-be survivors. For the most part, these sounds are normal, everyday sounds. Someone could be walking in the woods and step on a twig. A zombie knows, somehow, that an edible person broke that twig and soon they are zombie kibble. Now think, are we as musicians going to voluntarily make a bunch of raucous? The answer to that question is: of coarse not. Not only are we not going to put on a show for a crowd, but musicians probably will put down their crafts for more useful tasks, like actual crafts. Besides, no one will come to your shows (except zombies).