Existential Crisis Around Santa Clause
To be heard in "Santa Clause Don't Be Late" and many others. There is something about hearing a grown person persist that there is a large man appointed to venture down a chimney, that doesn't quite sit well. "Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" is song where an entire family lose track of an elderly woman, and assume that she was trampled an elf, his sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. But the underlying them is whether or grandpa still believe in Santa? And yes, many songs promote the belief is Santa as believing in the spirit of generosity and charity, but some do so in a very disturbing manner. I don't know what it is, but when otherwise rational adults start speaking like Santa is going to show up it bothers me. It make me wonder is there is some underlying adult them with all this talk about "shimmying down people chimneys" Speaking of adult situations...
Overtly Sexually Themed Holiday Songs
The most sexualized song in the Christmas catalog is debatably "Santa Baby". Sang in a manor akin to Marilyn Monroe's breathy, sing-songy whispers, This song is like a checklist of female objectification and stereotypes. Not to mention that the song is repetitive and boring. Then we have the heap of creep that is "Baby, It's Cold Outside". The most Christmas-y song centered around date-rape... "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" is a troubling song in is a very real and tangible way. The song raises more questions than it answers. There is the parentally infidelity, the child's voyeurism, the possibility of holiday themed role playing. I just don't understand why this, of all songs, is a cherished holiday classic. This is made all the worse by the fact that it is sang by a young Michel Jackson. If you know anything about the life of Michel Jackson, you know that his childhood was not entirely whimsical. The end of the song even includes the older of the Jackson 5 berating young Michel for the insinuations. It's just sad. But speaking of sad...
Song That Have No Purpose Other Than Being A Punch To The Gut
"I'll Be Home For Christmas" is generally accepted as one of the greatest and time-test holiday classics. Bing Crosby's crooning is a perfect match for this song. It is almost hard to imagine many of the classis Christmas films without this number in it. However, to the keen listener, the protagonist of the song does not end up spending the holidays with friends and family. Thanks for that cherry ending Bing... But then there are just entire song written to make you uncomfortably sad, while pretending to be about Christmas. The Vilest offending, of course, is "Christmas Shoes". In the last decade and a half, I have been subjected to this miserable song as nearly every Christmas themed production. There must be some sort of connection between depressing ballads and armature vocalist. Maybe the fact that the song makes you face the terribly crushing reality that you have/had a finite time with those that you love and every minute spent listening to awful holiday music is another moment wasted. Obviously this makes everyone sad, and the people who choose to sing thing song are just the worst kind of people that want to bring nothing but pain...
Conclusion
Despite sounding like a huge killjoy. I do love this time of year. I love the time I get to spend with friends and family. As a kid, the focus may be on gift, lights and avoiding having cheeks pinched (do aunts still do that?). As an adult(ish) I love seeing all my family in one place. Somewhere I can spend time with the people that mean the most to me is something that I wait all year for. So, even though there is a vast ocean of music that is just subpar in the most objective way possible, it's really the people around us that make this the best time of year.
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